FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay: Mitt Romney

With a penchant for seemingly transforming himself into whatever personae/ideology suits the moment (even briefly a Democratic one), the Gay Fairy would have an easy time placing the former Governor of Massachusetts into the Life. He would be a Drag Queen.

Headlining under the drag name Outty Touch, and touting slogans such as: “Put Your Hands on My Mitt”, and “Consistency is a Drag!”, the gay version of the Governor would go from state to state listening to constituents and then transforming his drag to match their vision of him.

Unfortunately the gay version would still have trouble attracting voters because of Mitt’s inability to relate to anyone who isn’t a Drag Queen–betting Rick Perry $10,000.00’s worth of Louis Ferre wigs, and telling a reporter that he likes to be able to fire his pedicurist whenever he wants. Eventually he would end up confusing his base. Unable to figure out what kind of drag queen Outty Touch was, they would stop putting dollar bills down his G-string, and seek out more consistent gender illusionists.

Desperately seeking the nomination, Gay Romney would stoop to recycling old catch phrases from other Queens like: “Halleigh-loo! I’m Working Class too!” and “You Better Work…and stop trying to collect Unemployment!!!” Pledging that if he doesn’t become the first Drag President, he will continue to turn up like bad re-runs of Bosom Buddies.

Many thanks to the Dragulator, from RuPaul’s Drag Race for the fabulous renditions of Outty Touch.


Cawfee Tawk

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One Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to the Iowa Caucus

For some reason, gay black men don’t automatically come to mind when thinking about the Iowa Caucuses. Why is that? We homosexual men of color are VERY much involved and interested in American Politics. And I’m sure that the one black gay Republican in the Hawkeye State will be out there in his fabulous togs exercising his rights as a citizen. However, since some surveys indicate that as many as 41% of Iowans still haven’t completely made up their minds about which candidate they will support, I thought I would help them out with a Fierce Black Queen’s (FBQ) take on each of them. Mind you, this is not a rundown of their politics–there are a myriad of blogs and pundits who are doing that today–but of their style, and/or how they might best attract voters who are not yet convinced of their fierceness.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

Since many analysts have Congresswoman Bachmann coming in at the bottom of the GOP pack, she needs to do something radical. An attractive person, who isn’t a SLAVE to fashion (get it? get it? SLAVE? Oh never mind.), I think she needs to put the additional “L” back in her first name. That one “L” spelling could be a little radical for some of her Tea Party supporters. I think she should also take a cue from models and superstars like Beyonce and JLo, and learn to walk in slow motion, with a wind machine blowing her hair.

Former Speaker Newt Gingrich

While former speaker Gingrich has made it quite clear that he has no interest in reaching out to gay voters, I think he is missing a golden opportunity. We Queens look at style as well as substance. This FBQ thinks that if Mr. Gingrich would simply grow a little scruff in addition to that fabulous mane of white locks, he could bring in the Daddy Bear and Cub vote regardless of his politics. Throw in a motorcycle cap and a cigar, and we husky homos might have to think twice about Obama.

Former Gov. of Utah Jon Huntsman Jr.

Some say that former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman’s style might be too smoothed and polished to run against the other candidates. Personally, this Queen thinks he should capitalize on his boyish good looks, fabulous hair and the spelling of his first name. Like styling guru John Frieda, I think he should take up Cosmetology, come out with his own brand of Hair Care products and start doing haircuts while Stumping.

Congressman Ron Paul

While Congressman Paul has some of the most passionate and avid supporters in the race, he could always use more. HE IS SO CUTE!!! But he does often look a bit like your favorite uncle as opposed to the Leader of the Free World. Might this Black Queen suggest a more casual look: say Dockers that accentuate the rear and package area, and a tight t-shirt? That would get THIS voter avid and passionate.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry

Pretty simple really. Governor Perry should trade his suits in for some desert camouflage. This could also aid him in invisibly tracking illegal aliens trying to cross the Texas border.

Former US Senator Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum…gotta get back to you on him. He scares me.

Former Gov. of MA Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney. Former Governor Romney is handsome, stylish and smart. No advice for him. He just looks like the guy you meet at a bar who says he “just wants to cuddle.” But when you take him home, and you wake up in the middle of the night…he’s doing more than just cuddling with you.