A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Football-Part III

PART 3: Scoring

(In more ways than one)

The Queen won’t spend a lot of time on scoring (at least not the kind done ON the football field). As I’ve said, it can get intricate. For now let’s focus on the two basic scores. Once you’ve awed your partner with your knowledge, I’m sure they will be more than happy to explain the additional scoring that we don’t get to here. Basically its:
Touchdown
Using my example of the department store: if I were to make it to the Cashiers (end zone) with my bag, then I would get 6 points. Then, the most common thing would be for my team of fierce divas to kick a:
Field Goal
A field goal is a way to gain one extra point before turning the ball over to the other team. Our kicker would stand at the two-yard line of the opponent’s end zone, and try to kick the ball through the opening in the goal posts (that square “Y”-looking thing).

So that’s why oftentimes you see team scores that are divisible by seven. Teams try to take advantage of each drive down the field resulting in a touchdown and a field goal.

Hopefully you now have a little bit of a better understanding of the game on the field. Now let’s talk about using this knowledge off the field.

As the Queen has said in previous posts, he believes that nothing gets to a man faster than food and showing an interest in his favorite things. Whether it’s his collection of bar napkins, or his favorite sports team: if you can muster enthusiasm for it, you will have touched him deeply. You wanna capture a dude’s heart (which includes turning him on immensely)? Try a couple of these ideas:

• Learn to spot his favorite team. Every team has it’s own distinct colors, emblems and nickname. Saying “Who are the ‘Skins (Redskins) playing today?” while scooping up a handful of popcorn and sitting next to him on the couch is tantamount to telling him he looks as hot as he did in college.
• Ask questions using intelligent football terms that you understand. Now that you understand a bit more about downs, when you come into the TV room, ask him “Are they at the first and ten (in other words, is this the team’s first play, where they have to move the ball ten yards down the field)?
• Pick up one football fact that you can ask your significant other about. Such as: “Hey babe? If Tim Tebow completes less than 50% of his passes, can he really lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl?” No matter what your partner thinks of the Mile High Messiah, he will see you as the Second Coming.

None of this will work if you’re only doing it for your man. If you find no fun, or passion in it–then really, what is the point? The Queen hopes that once you understand the basics of football, you’ll find it an exciting sport to watch. It really is a lot more than a bunch of big guys tackling each other (although this FBQ doesn’t mind watching a little of that every now and then). It really is about strategy and precision; art and athleticism.

And the tight uniforms don’t hurt either.

A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Football-Part I

“He’s at the ten…he’s at the two…and…

TOUCHDOWN!”

No, Miss Things, I am NOT talking about the culmination of my Saturday Night Date with the dude I met at Splash.

I’m talking about that Great American Sport in which husky men in tight pants, chase a ball into the end zone and score!

Come to think of it, that DOES sound a bit like my Saturday Night Date.

This FBQ didn’t grow up playing sports. In this way I was the stereotypical gay boy. But I realize now that it wasn’t because I didn’t like sports—it was mostly because I didn’t really understand them. It is assumed that every male comes out of the womb knowing how to play baseball, football and basketball. No one every really explained them to me in a way that made sense. It wasn’t until High School–when I started hanging out with gay men of color–that I began to understand, and enjoy the art and excitement of professional sports. Leave it to a homo to get things to make sense.

With the playoff season upon us, this FBQ thought it might be a public service to break down the game into its most common denominators for those who might be a little football-ignorant. Male or female, if you have a sports lover as a partner, the Queen strongly suggests engaging in the viewing of a few games as an almost foolproof form of foreplay. I firmly believe that while the first way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, the second is through his sports teams.

Knowledge is sexy y’all. Knowing your partner’s favorite team’s colors and mascot, and the last time they were in the Super Bowl, and/or playoffs will get you into their pants faster than a Jackson family member can say “I’ll have item #22 on the Plastic Surgery Menu, please.”

Male football player costume from halloweenplayground.com. Abs sold separately.

Object (Or “What the hell are these grown-ass men supposed to be doing ANYWAY?”)

Honestly sweeties, the object of the game is pretty simple: score more points than the other team, by advancing the ball down the field and into the opponents “end zone” (the part of the field with the goal post–the big poles in the shape of a kind of squared “Y”–and their cute little team name on it).

The thing that makes it seem complicated is that there are a myriad of ways to do this, and many intricate rules involved in getting that done. But the game itself is pretty simple.

Over the next few days we’ll talk about a few other basics, such as game play, scoring (you can never know too much about how to score, Miss Things), and how to make your partner’s jaw drop with your knowledge of the game. Knowing how to get your partner’s jaw to drop can come in handy in all sorts of activities.