FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay: Mitt Romney

With a penchant for seemingly transforming himself into whatever personae/ideology suits the moment (even briefly a Democratic one), the Gay Fairy would have an easy time placing the former Governor of Massachusetts into the Life. He would be a Drag Queen.

Headlining under the drag name Outty Touch, and touting slogans such as: “Put Your Hands on My Mitt”, and “Consistency is a Drag!”, the gay version of the Governor would go from state to state listening to constituents and then transforming his drag to match their vision of him.

Unfortunately the gay version would still have trouble attracting voters because of Mitt’s inability to relate to anyone who isn’t a Drag Queen–betting Rick Perry $10,000.00’s worth of Louis Ferre wigs, and telling a reporter that he likes to be able to fire his pedicurist whenever he wants. Eventually he would end up confusing his base. Unable to figure out what kind of drag queen Outty Touch was, they would stop putting dollar bills down his G-string, and seek out more consistent gender illusionists.

Desperately seeking the nomination, Gay Romney would stoop to recycling old catch phrases from other Queens like: “Halleigh-loo! I’m Working Class too!” and “You Better Work…and stop trying to collect Unemployment!!!” Pledging that if he doesn’t become the first Drag President, he will continue to turn up like bad re-runs of Bosom Buddies.

Many thanks to the Dragulator, from RuPaul’s Drag Race for the fabulous renditions of Outty Touch.

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2 thoughts on “FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay: Mitt Romney

  1. The most deeply troubling type of politician. He will say whatever he thinks the audience in question want to hear at that time and in that place. Then will merrily contradict himself before the next special interest group. I would rather a person held beliefs that I considered ill considered than held beliefs so lightly they could be bought for beer money. Or in light of Romney’s Mormon beliefs we’ll make it a lemonade.

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