With a penchant for seemingly transforming himself into whatever personae/ideology suits the moment (even briefly a Democratic one), the Gay Fairy would have an easy time placing the former Governor of Massachusetts into the Life. He would be a Drag Queen.
Headlining under the drag name Outty Touch, and touting slogans such as: “Put Your Hands on My Mitt”, and “Consistency is a Drag!”, the gay version of the Governor would go from state to state listening to constituents and then transforming his drag to match their vision of him.
Unfortunately the gay version would still have trouble attracting voters because of Mitt’s inability to relate to anyone who isn’t a Drag Queen–betting Rick Perry $10,000.00’s worth of Louis Ferre wigs, and telling a reporter that he likes to be able to fire his pedicurist whenever he wants. Eventually he would end up confusing his base. Unable to figure out what kind of drag queen Outty Touch was, they would stop putting dollar bills down his G-string, and seek out more consistent gender illusionists.
Desperately seeking the nomination, Gay Romney would stoop to recycling old catch phrases from other Queens like: “Halleigh-loo! I’m Working Class too!” and “You Better Work…and stop trying to collect Unemployment!!!” Pledging that if he doesn’t become the first Drag President, he will continue to turn up like bad re-runs of Bosom Buddies.
Many thanks to the Dragulator, from RuPaul’s Drag Race for the fabulous renditions of Outty Touch.