One Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to the Iowa Caucus

For some reason, gay black men don’t automatically come to mind when thinking about the Iowa Caucuses. Why is that? We homosexual men of color are VERY much involved and interested in American Politics. And I’m sure that the one black gay Republican in the Hawkeye State will be out there in his fabulous togs exercising his rights as a citizen. However, since some surveys indicate that as many as 41% of Iowans still haven’t completely made up their minds about which candidate they will support, I thought I would help them out with a Fierce Black Queen’s (FBQ) take on each of them. Mind you, this is not a rundown of their politics–there are a myriad of blogs and pundits who are doing that today–but of their style, and/or how they might best attract voters who are not yet convinced of their fierceness.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

Since many analysts have Congresswoman Bachmann coming in at the bottom of the GOP pack, she needs to do something radical. An attractive person, who isn’t a SLAVE to fashion (get it? get it? SLAVE? Oh never mind.), I think she needs to put the additional “L” back in her first name. That one “L” spelling could be a little radical for some of her Tea Party supporters. I think she should also take a cue from models and superstars like Beyonce and JLo, and learn to walk in slow motion, with a wind machine blowing her hair.

Former Speaker Newt Gingrich

While former speaker Gingrich has made it quite clear that he has no interest in reaching out to gay voters, I think he is missing a golden opportunity. We Queens look at style as well as substance. This FBQ thinks that if Mr. Gingrich would simply grow a little scruff in addition to that fabulous mane of white locks, he could bring in the Daddy Bear and Cub vote regardless of his politics. Throw in a motorcycle cap and a cigar, and we husky homos might have to think twice about Obama.

Former Gov. of Utah Jon Huntsman Jr.

Some say that former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman’s style might be too smoothed and polished to run against the other candidates. Personally, this Queen thinks he should capitalize on his boyish good looks, fabulous hair and the spelling of his first name. Like styling guru John Frieda, I think he should take up Cosmetology, come out with his own brand of Hair Care products and start doing haircuts while Stumping.

Congressman Ron Paul

While Congressman Paul has some of the most passionate and avid supporters in the race, he could always use more. HE IS SO CUTE!!! But he does often look a bit like your favorite uncle as opposed to the Leader of the Free World. Might this Black Queen suggest a more casual look: say Dockers that accentuate the rear and package area, and a tight t-shirt? That would get THIS voter avid and passionate.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry

Pretty simple really. Governor Perry should trade his suits in for some desert camouflage. This could also aid him in invisibly tracking illegal aliens trying to cross the Texas border.

Former US Senator Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum…gotta get back to you on him. He scares me.

Former Gov. of MA Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney. Former Governor Romney is handsome, stylish and smart. No advice for him. He just looks like the guy you meet at a bar who says he “just wants to cuddle.” But when you take him home, and you wake up in the middle of the night…he’s doing more than just cuddling with you.


4 thoughts on “One Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to the Iowa Caucus

  1. Yay! A caucus post! I’m an Iowan, and will be there tonight with bells on. Although with the Democrats, in support of our President.

    Love your run down on the “other side”. They’ve been monotonously schlepping through our town these past few months and each makes me cringe. So to see them, albeit briefly, in a different light was refreshing. 🙂

  2. Honestly, they all scare me. Last month my MIL asked me who I was supporting and when I said none of them I thought she was going to stop the car and throw me out. My son and I just exchanged eye rolls and changed the subject. My late husband was an only child and I try to never undercut his parents to my children but sometimes I wonder how such I wonderful, intelligent, tolerant man was raised in their household. Various theories running the gamut from alien abduction to faerie changeling have been supported by various members of my family over the years.

    • LOL What a great tool to have at your disposal. Every time you want to bash your MiL’s head in, you just think “She gave me my wonderful husband. She gave me my wonderful husband…”

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