The Queen wasn’t planning to talk about the Olympics until our brunch this weekend. However with the closing night ceremonies still fresh in my mind, and dealing with a moping Bianca (obsessed with the Games) now going through withdrawal, I thought I’d spend a few moments sharing with you what I learned over two weeks of The Games.
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PART 3: Scoring
(In more ways than one)
The Queen won’t spend a lot of time on scoring (at least not the kind done ON the football field). As I’ve said, it can get intricate. For now let’s focus on the two basic scores. Once you’ve awed your partner with your knowledge, I’m sure they will be more than happy to explain the additional scoring that we don’t get to here. Basically its:
Touchdown
Using my example of the department store: if I were to make it to the Cashiers (end zone) with my bag, then I would get 6 points. Then, the most common thing would be for my team of fierce divas to kick a:
Field Goal
A field goal is a way to gain one extra point before turning the ball over to the other team. Our kicker would stand at the two-yard line of the opponent’s end zone, and try to kick the ball through the opening in the goal posts (that square “Y”-looking thing).
So that’s why oftentimes you see team scores that are divisible by seven. Teams try to take advantage of each drive down the field resulting in a touchdown and a field goal.
Hopefully you now have a little bit of a better understanding of the game on the field. Now let’s talk about using this knowledge off the field.
As the Queen has said in previous posts, he believes that nothing gets to a man faster than food and showing an interest in his favorite things. Whether it’s his collection of bar napkins, or his favorite sports team: if you can muster enthusiasm for it, you will have touched him deeply. You wanna capture a dude’s heart (which includes turning him on immensely)? Try a couple of these ideas:
None of this will work if you’re only doing it for your man. If you find no fun, or passion in it–then really, what is the point? The Queen hopes that once you understand the basics of football, you’ll find it an exciting sport to watch. It really is a lot more than a bunch of big guys tackling each other (although this FBQ doesn’t mind watching a little of that every now and then). It really is about strategy and precision; art and athleticism.
And the tight uniforms don’t hurt either.
PART 2: Down and Distance
I think many football enthusiasts would agree that the most important thing about understanding American Football, is understanding how the game is played and scored. Since scoring involves many rules and regulations—which can be learned later—we’ll concentrate mostly on going down…uh, down the field.
The game starts with those manly men meeting at the center of the field with the referee (the men in those surprisingly unflattering stripes), who tosses a coin to decide which team goes first. The team that wins the toss gets to decide whether they want to kick the football to the other team, or have the ball kicked to them. There are advantages to both, but that’s for another Tea Time.
The team that gets the ball kicked to them (the “receiving team”–don’t GO there) has to catch it, and try to get it as close to the other team’s end zone (again, DON’T GO THERE)–(that area at the opposite end of the field with the goal posts–those large poles in the shape of a kind of square “Y”–and the cute little team logo on it) as possible. They do this in a series of “downs.”
Downs
A down is a complete turn—or “play” (like in a board game when you get the dice and make a move). A down begins when the actual ball is put into play (“snapped”), and ends when the referee whistles that the play is over (usually when the ball touches the ground).
This referee was asked about the size of one of the Queen's body parts.
A team gets four plays (“downs”) to get the ball at least ten-yards closer to their opponent’s end zone. If they can do that, then they get what is called a “first down”, which means they have secured another four plays to get the ball even closer.
Let’s see an example using the terms my gay brethren used to help me understand:
Pretend that the football field is actually the Men’s floor of your favorite department store. And it’s Black Friday. And the Queen has found the last of this FIERCE Hermes leather shoulder bag for %90 off (we can dream, can't we?). 
In order to purchase it, I’ve got to get it past all of these jealous queens who want it for their own (the other team), and to the Cashiers (the “end zone”) at the front of the store. It’s my job as the diva in charge (the Quarterback) to tell all of the divas who came with me (my team) how best to do that. That could be throwing the bag (ball) to another FBQ diva, passing it covertly to one of my queens, or running through the screaming horde of opposing queers myself.
If we make it to the next rack (ten yards) in four tries without one of the other group of bitches (the other team) getting the bag from us, then we get a “first down” and get to try once again to get it to the cashiers in the end zone. If not, then the other team gets to walk around the city with MY BAG (or in the case of football, the team gets “possession” of the ball right where it is, and tries to get it down the opposite end of the field in the same way).
Understand? Of course you do.
There is, of course, a lot more to the game. But honestly, if you can master this concept then the rest of the stuff will fall into place. And you won’t believe how easy it is to get into your man’s good graces by being able to ask questions based on this information.
In the Queen’s last post on this subject, he’ll give you some information that might get your partner so turned on that they turn off the game and jump your bones. Or even MORE erotic: cleans up after the Super Bowl Party.
“He’s at the ten…he’s at the two…and…
TOUCHDOWN!”
No, Miss Things, I am NOT talking about the culmination of my Saturday Night Date with the dude I met at Splash.
I’m talking about that Great American Sport in which husky men in tight pants, chase a ball into the end zone and score!
Come to think of it, that DOES sound a bit like my Saturday Night Date.
This FBQ didn’t grow up playing sports. In this way I was the stereotypical gay boy. But I realize now that it wasn’t because I didn’t like sports—it was mostly because I didn’t really understand them. It is assumed that every male comes out of the womb knowing how to play baseball, football and basketball. No one every really explained them to me in a way that made sense. It wasn’t until High School–when I started hanging out with gay men of color–that I began to understand, and enjoy the art and excitement of professional sports. Leave it to a homo to get things to make sense.
With the playoff season upon us, this FBQ thought it might be a public service to break down the game into its most common denominators for those who might be a little football-ignorant. Male or female, if you have a sports lover as a partner, the Queen strongly suggests engaging in the viewing of a few games as an almost foolproof form of foreplay. I firmly believe that while the first way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, the second is through his sports teams.
Knowledge is sexy y’all. Knowing your partner’s favorite team’s colors and mascot, and the last time they were in the Super Bowl, and/or playoffs will get you into their pants faster than a Jackson family member can say “I’ll have item #22 on the Plastic Surgery Menu, please.”
Male football player costume from halloweenplayground.com. Abs sold separately.
Object (Or “What the hell are these grown-ass men supposed to be doing ANYWAY?”)
Honestly sweeties, the object of the game is pretty simple: score more points than the other team, by advancing the ball down the field and into the opponents “end zone” (the part of the field with the goal post–the big poles in the shape of a kind of squared “Y”–and their cute little team name on it).
The thing that makes it seem complicated is that there are a myriad of ways to do this, and many intricate rules involved in getting that done. But the game itself is pretty simple.
Over the next few days we’ll talk about a few other basics, such as game play, scoring (you can never know too much about how to score, Miss Things), and how to make your partner’s jaw drop with your knowledge of the game. Knowing how to get your partner’s jaw to drop can come in handy in all sorts of activities.
FBQ 