FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay: Rowdy Ricky S.

Well it’s official: this election season is more interesting than any Reality TV programming out there.

With the former senator from Pennsylvania’s upset at yesterday’s primaries and caucuses, Mr. Santorum has proven that his almost perpendicular lean to the Right is shared by many other Americans. While that truly gives the Queen the heebie jeebies, it also makes me wonder what his take on the world might look like if the Gay Fairy went down on him? What kind of queer would he be?

Rick Santorum

Another easy one: Militant Gay. With his strong conservative views and hard line ideals, it only make sense that were he transformed into a peter puffer he would be as equally adamant on All Things Gay. An avid believer in the concept that everyone is “Gay until proven Straight”, Rowdy Ricky S would push the boundaries on everything from choice of clothing to hot, juicy Public Displays of Affection with his long-time partner. With his signature slogan “Santorum for Sodomy”, the gay version of the conservative candidate would be the one shouting for equal rights at right wing rallies, prompting the authorities to drag him kicking and screaming from the event.

Let me make sure that I don’t mumble when I make this next point. I don’t want to leave any doubt as to what I am saying. The Queen is very respectful of Mr. Santorum’s focus on the family. Maybe as a gay American, he would recognize that families come in all shapes, sizes and configurations. As long as their is love and support–they may LOOK different, but they are virtually the same.


FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay

With the primaries and caucuses in full tilt today, and the candidates swinging their “conservative values” around like phallic symbols, it got the Queen to wondering…

What if the magical Gay Fairy (she exists, you know) appeared, touched each of the current Republican candidates on the wee wee, and made them gay? With their personality traits still intact–what kind of homosexuals would they be? Let’s start with:

Newt Gingrich

No question: Daddybear. With his hefty physique and grey locks, the former Speaker of the House would physically rock that lifestyle. With his need to be large and in charge, this portly papa would ride into rallies with his current partner on the back of his Iron 883 Harley, and work Gay Pride events like nobody’s business. And with his proclivity for changing partners, he would be much more at home and accepted in the gay community. Also with his rough and ready style of debating, this silver bear would really appeal to that dominant segment of the population. No doubt he would easily get backing from a cigar industry Super Pac (the Queen says with full innuendo intact), and could woo his sister Candace back from Obama.

And of course, with all of his experience as Speaker of the House, he would be great at any oral activities that might come up…

One Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to the Iowa Caucus

For some reason, gay black men don’t automatically come to mind when thinking about the Iowa Caucuses. Why is that? We homosexual men of color are VERY much involved and interested in American Politics. And I’m sure that the one black gay Republican in the Hawkeye State will be out there in his fabulous togs exercising his rights as a citizen. However, since some surveys indicate that as many as 41% of Iowans still haven’t completely made up their minds about which candidate they will support, I thought I would help them out with a Fierce Black Queen’s (FBQ) take on each of them. Mind you, this is not a rundown of their politics–there are a myriad of blogs and pundits who are doing that today–but of their style, and/or how they might best attract voters who are not yet convinced of their fierceness.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

Since many analysts have Congresswoman Bachmann coming in at the bottom of the GOP pack, she needs to do something radical. An attractive person, who isn’t a SLAVE to fashion (get it? get it? SLAVE? Oh never mind.), I think she needs to put the additional “L” back in her first name. That one “L” spelling could be a little radical for some of her Tea Party supporters. I think she should also take a cue from models and superstars like Beyonce and JLo, and learn to walk in slow motion, with a wind machine blowing her hair.

Former Speaker Newt Gingrich

While former speaker Gingrich has made it quite clear that he has no interest in reaching out to gay voters, I think he is missing a golden opportunity. We Queens look at style as well as substance. This FBQ thinks that if Mr. Gingrich would simply grow a little scruff in addition to that fabulous mane of white locks, he could bring in the Daddy Bear and Cub vote regardless of his politics. Throw in a motorcycle cap and a cigar, and we husky homos might have to think twice about Obama.

Former Gov. of Utah Jon Huntsman Jr.

Some say that former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman’s style might be too smoothed and polished to run against the other candidates. Personally, this Queen thinks he should capitalize on his boyish good looks, fabulous hair and the spelling of his first name. Like styling guru John Frieda, I think he should take up Cosmetology, come out with his own brand of Hair Care products and start doing haircuts while Stumping.

Congressman Ron Paul

While Congressman Paul has some of the most passionate and avid supporters in the race, he could always use more. HE IS SO CUTE!!! But he does often look a bit like your favorite uncle as opposed to the Leader of the Free World. Might this Black Queen suggest a more casual look: say Dockers that accentuate the rear and package area, and a tight t-shirt? That would get THIS voter avid and passionate.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry

Pretty simple really. Governor Perry should trade his suits in for some desert camouflage. This could also aid him in invisibly tracking illegal aliens trying to cross the Texas border.

Former US Senator Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum…gotta get back to you on him. He scares me.

Former Gov. of MA Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney. Former Governor Romney is handsome, stylish and smart. No advice for him. He just looks like the guy you meet at a bar who says he “just wants to cuddle.” But when you take him home, and you wake up in the middle of the night…he’s doing more than just cuddling with you.