A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Football-Part I

“He’s at the ten…he’s at the two…and…

TOUCHDOWN!”

No, Miss Things, I am NOT talking about the culmination of my Saturday Night Date with the dude I met at Splash.

I’m talking about that Great American Sport in which husky men in tight pants, chase a ball into the end zone and score!

Come to think of it, that DOES sound a bit like my Saturday Night Date.


This FBQ didn’t grow up playing sports. In this way I was the stereotypical gay boy. But I realize now that it wasn’t because I didn’t like sports—it was mostly because I didn’t really understand them. It is assumed that every male comes out of the womb knowing how to play baseball, football and basketball. No one every really explained them to me in a way that made sense. It wasn’t until High School–when I started hanging out with gay men of color–that I began to understand, and enjoy the art and excitement of professional sports. Leave it to a homo to get things to make sense.

With the playoff season upon us, this FBQ thought it might be a public service to break down the game into its most common denominators for those who might be a little football-ignorant. Male or female, if you have a sports lover as a partner, the Queen strongly suggests engaging in the viewing of a few games as an almost foolproof form of foreplay. I firmly believe that while the first way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, the second is through his sports teams.

Knowledge is sexy y’all. Knowing your partner’s favorite team’s colors and mascot, and the last time they were in the Super Bowl, and/or playoffs will get you into their pants faster than a Jackson family member can say “I’ll have item #22 on the Plastic Surgery Menu, please.”

Male football player costume from halloweenplayground.com. Abs sold separately.

Object (Or “What the hell are these grown-ass men supposed to be doing ANYWAY?”)

Honestly sweeties, the object of the game is pretty simple: score more points than the other team, by advancing the ball down the field and into the opponents “end zone” (the part of the field with the goal post–the big poles in the shape of a kind of squared “Y”–and their cute little team name on it).

The thing that makes it seem complicated is that there are a myriad of ways to do this, and many intricate rules involved in getting that done. But the game itself is pretty simple.

Over the next few days we’ll talk about a few other basics, such as game play, scoring (you can never know too much about how to score, Miss Things), and how to make your partner’s jaw drop with your knowledge of the game. Knowing how to get your partner’s jaw to drop can come in handy in all sorts of activities.

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One thought on “A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Football-Part I

  1. This will be very helpful, as my partner is a football fanatic and I find the whole thing yawn worthy. We happened upon a rugby game one day and that was entirely another story. Have you watched a pro-rugby match? Those guys make American football players look like fragile, porcelain dolls. Even though I had no clue what was going on, it was fascinating to watch. So maybe I’m not a totally lost cause. 😉

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