A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Understanding Your Man: Public Restroom Etiquette

In talking with many of his female friends, the Queen has discovered an over-arching theme: a lot of y’all have a hard time figuring out men.

Welcome to the club, child.

But there ARE traits that seem to be inherent in most men, straight or gay, which might help you understand your significant other a little better. As a public service to you lovely people, I’d like to implement a feature I will entitle: “Understanding Your Man.” From time to time this FBQ will offer insight into that mysterious World of Men from a middle age black homo point of view. I may be a queen…but I am a Manly One.

Let’s start with an easy one. Let’s break into a Bastion of Dudedom: The Public Restroom.

You shudder. But there is no better place to demonstrate my attestation than this. As far as I know, there is no formal training in the etiquette of using a Gentlemen’s Public Lavatory. We just know. It seems to be in the DNA of the American Male. No matter the ethnicity or orientation. There is a certain logic which is key to the way your man thinks. Try it and see. Get out a sheet of paper, and take my little test with your man. See how many of your answers correspond with his. The closer you agree, the less you all are likely to argue, because you get how he thinks. You can thank me later.

The answers can be found at the end of the test. No peeking, you two.

1.You enter the restroom, and the first urinal is in use. Which of the other urinals do you choose?

2. You enter the restroom, and Urinal #5 is in use, which one do you use?

3. Getting harder. This time when you enter, Urinal #3 is occupied. Which one(s) do you use? Pick all urinals that are acceptable.

4. This time when you enter the public John, Urinals #1&3 are occupied. Which of the remaining do you use to siphon the python?

5. Last one. Urinals #1, 3, and 5 are in use. Which one do you choose?

ANSWERS

1. Urinal #5
The rule of thumb is: “Stay as far away from the other guy as possible.”

2. Urinal #1
Any urinal besides #1 in an otherwise empty bank, says “Hi! Wanna get to know each other better?”

3. Urinals #1 or #5 are acceptable.
#2 or #4? Congressman Craig? Is that you?

4. Urinal #5
As a young gay boy in training, I used to chant this rhyme: “Farthest Away? That’s Okay!” Yes, people looked at me funny even then.

5. Neither
Either wash your hands until one of the other urinals opens up, or use a stall.

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11 thoughts on “A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Understanding Your Man: Public Restroom Etiquette

  1. I had my husband take this, after I did so and received a lame 3/5, and he got 100%.

    What surprises me is that I thought this line of thinking (farthest away, that’s OK) was strictly straight men who wanted to avoid any possible thought by others that they might be gay.

    I always found this to be ridiculous.
    Who cares what people think…and so what if you are gay?

    So to learn that gay men also adhere to these rules, confuses me.
    Can ya help a girl out here and explain?

  2. First of all: thank you for sticking with me as I try to navigate this whole blog thing. It means more than I can say!

    Second, in regards to your confusion: the short answer is that I don’t know the answer. I think it’s one of those social mores that you learn when, as a kid, your dad or older male friend or guardian takes you into the restroom at a ballgame. You watch, and imitate.

    In terms of the whole gay thing, well, apart from societal homophobia, I think men in general have a need for a wider area of “personal space” than the average woman. So when that personal space is broken, there is an automatic assumption of intimacy–which really is true in terms of the culture in most of the restrooms of the gay bars I’ve visited. When a guy breaks the established john etiquette–then you know he’s most likely coming on to you. That’s why Larry Craig’s insistence that he had no clue what he was doing in that airport restroom was ludicrous. Straight or Gay, guys just inherently know the rules.

  3. Of course! I love the bog and think you’re awesome. 🙂

    Just wish there was a way to let your other TLo fans know you are here. I think posting a direct link in their comments would not be taken well by the boys. Apparently, based on their rude response to you, there was already some jealousy and/or territorial issue brewing.

    Anyway, thanks for your patient response to my query. I feel ignorant asking such questions, and never mean to make the generalizations that always seem to arise from them. But your explanation makes sense. Interesting that this protocol is also followed in restrooms of gay bars…but again, your response gave me a clear answer as to why.

    I love getting “in the know”.

  4. I’m happy to leave a link the next time someone asks, “Hey, where’s Scotty?” (I’m guessing the TLounge tomorrow). No pot-stirring, I promise (I’ll resist!) Just a simple, Oh, I found him *here*. Even if it gets deleted, it should be around long enough for some people to see it

    But I’ll wait for a go-ahead from you….

    Mefein

    • Oh, that’d be great! Hope Scotty agrees.
      I’ve never posted a comment there, so thought it would be strange to have my first one promoting another blog. But you posting the link wouldn’t seem out of place at all, since you are part of their regular commentariat.

    • As much as I REALLY appreciate the sentiment, and as much as I know I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face, I’d personally prefer it if you didn’t leave a link. As standard as I know that kind of thing is in the comments sections on blogs, I know how gay men can be. And especially these two gay men.

      Of course I can’t tell you what to do. But I see no reason to hide the fact that you found me. And I’ve found that if you google “scottyf, fierce black queen”, there are enough hits to lead someone who was interested in the right direction. 😉

      I will never be able to thank you both for your support. At a time in my life when I sometimes feel alone, it’s a real blessing to know that there are angels around.

  5. Got it. No link, just say that I found you on the net doing your thing as ScottyF, Fierce Black Queen. They’re a smart bunch. I think they can figure it out!

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