Tea Time III

While the Queen was flat on his back (get your minds out of the gutter, Miss Things) during his bout with cold/flu/dysentery–whatever the hell it was–the world inexplicably kept on moving. So many things happened. Let’s discuss:

Whitney Houston

The Queen realizes that there are some people I never think of as dying. And I also realize that it is often a list of people we’ve come to know by one name: Liz, Etta, and now Whitney. There is a certain immortality that we bestow on our collective icons. And I guess, in a way, a true icon DOES live forever. So is my hope for Whitney Houston. I pray that her daughter is constantly wrapped in the arms of someone who loves her as she navigates through her grief and emotions, until she comes out stronger on the other side. And from one Fierce Black Queen to another: Whitney-thank you for so many contributions to the soundtrack of my life. Don’t hog all the solos in that big Gospel Choir in the Sky.

Roland Martin

This is so friggin’ late. I should let it go. But it’s been in my craw along with the Royal Scepter ever since the Super Bowl.

The Queen–like just about every queer in America–has had to deal with his share of bullying and homophobia. The lion’s portion of which, has always come from my straight black brothers. Black Men seem to spend an inordinately greater percentage of time defining ourselves by standards of faux-masculinity than our white counterparts. Maybe that’s because of our history in this country. In order to maintain power, the dominant culture had to emasculate us. I’m not going to spend a load of time in this post psychoanalyzing reasons, or dissecting my love/hate relationship with black men. This post is just to tell my brothers like Roland Martin to be real men and stop trying to put a spin on their shit. For whatever reasons, they have a problem with homosexuality. Just say that. Own it. Revel in it. Don’t go quoting Scripture as a way to justify your fears and questions–ESPECIALLY when you use a chapter that some scholars believe is proof that Jesus was accepting of homosexuality.

Gratuitous pic of David Beckham...WOOF

Don’t use some lame excuse regarding your feelings about Soccer, when you’re really just jealous of David Beckham. Just pull your fat ass off of the couch, and away from the game a couple of days a week and do some crunches. Lay off the friggin’ potato chips once in a while and you too could have women (and even some fierce black men, if you’re lucky) oogling YOUR pics and drooling over your beauty.

In a day and age in which we have a President who identifies as Black, and country headed towards equality for its gay citizens–surely my Strong Black Brothers can step up the dialogue about homosexuality in the African American culture. Don’t make me have to tell many of your mamas about the times we spent in the basement as teenagers sucking face.

A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Football-Part III

PART 3: Scoring

(In more ways than one)

The Queen won’t spend a lot of time on scoring (at least not the kind done ON the football field). As I’ve said, it can get intricate. For now let’s focus on the two basic scores. Once you’ve awed your partner with your knowledge, I’m sure they will be more than happy to explain the additional scoring that we don’t get to here. Basically its:
Touchdown
Using my example of the department store: if I were to make it to the Cashiers (end zone) with my bag, then I would get 6 points. Then, the most common thing would be for my team of fierce divas to kick a:
Field Goal
A field goal is a way to gain one extra point before turning the ball over to the other team. Our kicker would stand at the two-yard line of the opponent’s end zone, and try to kick the ball through the opening in the goal posts (that square “Y”-looking thing).

So that’s why oftentimes you see team scores that are divisible by seven. Teams try to take advantage of each drive down the field resulting in a touchdown and a field goal.

Hopefully you now have a little bit of a better understanding of the game on the field. Now let’s talk about using this knowledge off the field.

As the Queen has said in previous posts, he believes that nothing gets to a man faster than food and showing an interest in his favorite things. Whether it’s his collection of bar napkins, or his favorite sports team: if you can muster enthusiasm for it, you will have touched him deeply. You wanna capture a dude’s heart (which includes turning him on immensely)? Try a couple of these ideas:

• Learn to spot his favorite team. Every team has it’s own distinct colors, emblems and nickname. Saying “Who are the ‘Skins (Redskins) playing today?” while scooping up a handful of popcorn and sitting next to him on the couch is tantamount to telling him he looks as hot as he did in college.
• Ask questions using intelligent football terms that you understand. Now that you understand a bit more about downs, when you come into the TV room, ask him “Are they at the first and ten (in other words, is this the team’s first play, where they have to move the ball ten yards down the field)?
• Pick up one football fact that you can ask your significant other about. Such as: “Hey babe? If Tim Tebow completes less than 50% of his passes, can he really lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl?” No matter what your partner thinks of the Mile High Messiah, he will see you as the Second Coming.

None of this will work if you’re only doing it for your man. If you find no fun, or passion in it–then really, what is the point? The Queen hopes that once you understand the basics of football, you’ll find it an exciting sport to watch. It really is a lot more than a bunch of big guys tackling each other (although this FBQ doesn’t mind watching a little of that every now and then). It really is about strategy and precision; art and athleticism.

And the tight uniforms don’t hurt either.

A Fierce Black Queen’s Guide to Football-Part II

PART 2: Down and Distance

I think many football enthusiasts would agree that the most important thing about understanding American Football, is understanding how the game is played and scored. Since scoring involves many rules and regulations—which can be learned later—we’ll concentrate mostly on going down…uh, down the field.

The game starts with those manly men meeting at the center of the field with the referee (the men in those surprisingly unflattering stripes), who tosses a coin to decide which team goes first. The team that wins the toss gets to decide whether they want to kick the football to the other team, or have the ball kicked to them. There are advantages to both, but that’s for another Tea Time.

The team that gets the ball kicked to them (the “receiving team”–don’t GO there) has to catch it, and try to get it as close to the other team’s end zone (again, DON’T GO THERE)–(that area at the opposite end of the field with the goal posts–those large poles in the shape of a kind of square “Y”–and the cute little team logo on it) as possible. They do this in a series of “downs.”

Downs

A down is a complete turn—or “play” (like in a board game when you get the dice and make a move). A down begins when the actual ball is put into play (“snapped”), and ends when the referee whistles that the play is over (usually when the ball touches the ground).

This referee was asked about the size of one of the Queen's body parts.

A team gets four plays (“downs”) to get the ball at least ten-yards closer to their opponent’s end zone. If they can do that, then they get what is called a “first down”, which means they have secured another four plays to get the ball even closer.

Let’s see an example using the terms my gay brethren used to help me understand:

Pretend that the football field is actually the Men’s floor of your favorite department store. And it’s Black Friday. And the Queen has found the last of this FIERCE Hermes leather shoulder bag for %90 off (we can dream, can't we?). In order to purchase it, I’ve got to get it past all of these jealous queens who want it for their own (the other team), and to the Cashiers (the “end zone”) at the front of the store. It’s my job as the diva in charge (the Quarterback) to tell all of the divas who came with me (my team) how best to do that. That could be throwing the bag (ball) to another FBQ diva, passing it covertly to one of my queens, or running through the screaming horde of opposing queers myself.

If we make it to the next rack (ten yards) in four tries without one of the other group of bitches (the other team) getting the bag from us, then we get a “first down” and get to try once again to get it to the cashiers in the end zone. If not, then the other team gets to walk around the city with MY BAG (or in the case of football, the team gets “possession” of the ball right where it is, and tries to get it down the opposite end of the field in the same way).

Understand? Of course you do.

There is, of course, a lot more to the game. But honestly, if you can master this concept then the rest of the stuff will fall into place. And you won’t believe how easy it is to get into your man’s good graces by being able to ask questions based on this information.

In the Queen’s last post on this subject, he’ll give you some information that might get your partner so turned on that they turn off the game and jump your bones. Or even MORE erotic: cleans up after the Super Bowl Party.