Cawfee Talk IV

---

Not bad for a dang cell phone camera, huh?

You know, gray days in the city don’t get enough credit. There’s something magic about the the way the subtle shades of charcoal and white clouds slowly swirl and dance with the buildings. The mist rising across the waters of the Hudson, and the occasional sound of a ship’s horn cutting across the relative quiet of the morning. It’s slightly heady, and whispers the promise of possibility for a new day.

It’s amazing what a venti cup of Starbucks can do for your imagination.

The Queen is working on his musings about this week’s episode of Untucked. Until he gets that out, here are a couple of things to talk about around the Deer Park tank:

FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay: Mitt Romney

With a penchant for seemingly transforming himself into whatever personae/ideology suits the moment (even briefly a Democratic one), the Gay Fairy would have an easy time placing the former Governor of Massachusetts into the Life. He would be a Drag Queen.

Headlining under the drag name Outty Touch, and touting slogans such as: “Put Your Hands on My Mitt”, and “Consistency is a Drag!”, the gay version of the Governor would go from state to state listening to constituents and then transforming his drag to match their vision of him.

Unfortunately the gay version would still have trouble attracting voters because of Mitt’s inability to relate to anyone who isn’t a Drag Queen–betting Rick Perry $10,000.00′s worth of Louis Ferre wigs, and telling a reporter that he likes to be able to fire his pedicurist whenever he wants. Eventually he would end up confusing his base. Unable to figure out what kind of drag queen Outty Touch was, they would stop putting dollar bills down his G-string, and seek out more consistent gender illusionists.

Desperately seeking the nomination, Gay Romney would stoop to recycling old catch phrases from other Queens like: “Halleigh-loo! I’m Working Class too!” and “You Better Work…and stop trying to collect Unemployment!!!” Pledging that if he doesn’t become the first Drag President, he will continue to turn up like bad re-runs of Bosom Buddies.

Many thanks to the Dragulator, from RuPaul’s Drag Race for the fabulous renditions of Outty Touch.

FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay: Rowdy Ricky S.

Well it’s official: this election season is more interesting than any Reality TV programming out there.

With the former senator from Pennsylvania’s upset at yesterday’s primaries and caucuses, Mr. Santorum has proven that his almost perpendicular lean to the Right is shared by many other Americans. While that truly gives the Queen the heebie jeebies, it also makes me wonder what his take on the world might look like if the Gay Fairy went down on him? What kind of queer would he be?

Rick Santorum

Another easy one: Militant Gay. With his strong conservative views and hard line ideals, it only make sense that were he transformed into a peter puffer he would be as equally adamant on All Things Gay. An avid believer in the concept that everyone is “Gay until proven Straight”, Rowdy Ricky S would push the boundaries on everything from choice of clothing to hot, juicy Public Displays of Affection with his long-time partner. With his signature slogan “Santorum for Sodomy”, the gay version of the conservative candidate would be the one shouting for equal rights at right wing rallies, prompting the authorities to drag him kicking and screaming from the event.

Let me make sure that I don’t mumble when I make this next point. I don’t want to leave any doubt as to what I am saying. The Queen is very respectful of Mr. Santorum’s focus on the family. Maybe as a gay American, he would recognize that families come in all shapes, sizes and configurations. As long as their is love and support–they may LOOK different, but they are virtually the same.

FBQ Musings: If the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Gay

With the primaries and caucuses in full tilt today, and the candidates swinging their “conservative values” around like phallic symbols, it got the Queen to wondering…

What if the magical Gay Fairy (she exists, you know) appeared, touched each of the current Republican candidates on the wee wee, and made them gay? With their personality traits still intact–what kind of homosexuals would they be? Let’s start with:

Newt Gingrich

No question: Daddybear. With his hefty physique and grey locks, the former Speaker of the House would physically rock that lifestyle. With his need to be large and in charge, this portly papa would ride into rallies with his current partner on the back of his Iron 883 Harley, and work Gay Pride events like nobody’s business. And with his proclivity for changing partners, he would be much more at home and accepted in the gay community. Also with his rough and ready style of debating, this silver bear would really appeal to that dominant segment of the population. No doubt he would easily get backing from a cigar industry Super Pac (the Queen says with full innuendo intact), and could woo his sister Candace back from Obama.

And of course, with all of his experience as Speaker of the House, he would be great at any oral activities that might come up…